I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
