i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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