Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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