walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
