You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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