he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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