I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
