Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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