I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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