By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
