Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
