my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
