the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
