When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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