based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
