Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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