Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
