She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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