I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
