Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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