I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
