If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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