it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
