I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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