This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
