This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
