I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
