fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
