Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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