Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
