I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
