Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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