She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
