my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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