Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my being single is dangerous.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
