Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
