fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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