i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
