i need an iv and a liver transplant
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
