If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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