I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
