I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
