I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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