he wants to bone in the snuggie
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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