No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
two words: eviction party
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
