i think my mom watched the whole time
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
