Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
