from now on my penis is your penis
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
