Your face is a jimmy john
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
