I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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